Thursday, April 9, 2009

INTO THE WILD....


Back from the desert....time was spent excavating and surveying cultural resources...those ancient people. It was good to be there even though it was work and with all the drama of a crew. It was good to feel the dirt and the crisp bite of early Spring breaking. This was a random event in my life. An excuse to hide. Out of school and out of life...trying to deal with the pain of being compromised. I came back dirty...... as water was a premium commodity. With a few friends I'm going back... into the wild....before they discover that i'm back home. This one is for pleasure or pain depending on how you look at it. I thought time heals wounds, I'm weak. I will stay out there and come to some resolution. I've thrown a little movie together. I honor you for caring and integrity in the face of quandry in your own lives. I know the Lord will bless you all. What will I find out there? I'm uncertain. After my friends return...I will have opportunity to explore the limits of life. Perhaps healing...perhaps not. I will take my scriptures and Stegner Books.

How can simple chemistry be so cruel. Even with great discipline and restraint...the LIGHT has dwindled...lost disappointed discouraged. For one who fights for and lives the life....how can this be? It is in the end... the PAIN. Even though I am not strait edge....I will not mask it. Self indulgence and self medication are cheap short cuts...a life not lived. I had always felt that nature and the natural were spiritual forces that would hide me from the monsters that chase me. The storm raged, darkness fell and .... seems not even prayer would reach the clouds above. The PAIN has muted all joy and hope. As you know... my friends live this hell daily. I have been blessed to elude such oblivion until now. Enough of me. What of you? What amazing people you are. The force of all of you collectively far exceeds any obstacle that we individually face. It is that collective power that will triumph. You who embrace each other in the sanctuary of your homes will generate survival and hope and joy and light.....and in the end bring about understanding, tolerance and perhaps change in the realms of high places. At the School of the Prophets, I found it interesting that instruction was not authoritarian. It was a bond of brotherhood in which the Saints shared their ideas of the heavens and of the earth..... Equal privilege with ritual and intellect and edifice. I long for such a ritual which has given way to correlation and compliance. Thanks for giving so much. In the end...for me, it is not about staying in the church as half a man or leaving to have family and fullfillment but losing my priesthood. It was not about choosing anything. It was more about how I am wired. When sacred places no longer heal...then what? DUST TO DUST....

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
--Martin Luther King

11 comments:

Alan said...

Zinj my bro: what a beautiful video. It's funny that I have recently been thinking of doing the same sort of thing.

But I'm concerned with the tone of your post and one of the songs on the vid. Are you okay?

artemisandollie said...

Are you okay? Are you meeting with your friends and talking in real life also- friends you are out to? I am worried about you. Please reassure and tell us you are getting support and love in the non virtual realm. I love reading your thoughts. You have great depth and integrity, believe me when I say things get so much better.

El Genio said...

We really do have an amazing community. I have always loved the MLK quote where he says, "We as a people, will get to the promised land!"

Cadence said...

dude, thanks for the 5 secs of fame ! it good to hear from you... I can't remember if I have told you that I'm kinda leaving it all behind and going to AK for awhile this summer, I'll email you my personal blog that I will update regularly (whatever that means) I'm planning to go to the bus from into the wild... kinda like a pilgrimage I know I won't be disappointed but I hope I find some peace... take it easy...

Bravone said...

Zinj,

I feel so connected to your spirit reading your words. I think we are very much at similar places in our lives right now. I pray you find the peace and direction you need. I pray that in nature's breeze you will hear the whisperings of Father's love for you.

Love your brother,
Bravone

October Rising said...

YOU'RE ALIVE!

Your great. Wonderful video too!

Bror said...

Hey, so good to hear from you. I have missed your posts.
your bror always.

Hillary Clemens said...

Beautiful storytelling. Thanks for your words and a video that capture the unity that this band of brothers experiences. I love and appreciate your strength and sight and raw honesty in ways I can't articulate. I hope those feelings find you in a warm breeze. Take care.

Z i n j said...

Thank you Hillary...Spring is dawning. I go in search of answers. The disposition of man with all his prejudices have broken this spirit. I look for answers within or from above. Faith in mankind and those institutions have disappointed...We have much in common....especially our mutual friend Robert...I call him Gold. I know this is not of my concern....but catch that elusive YeiBeiChei. Thanks for caring about my calamitous journey.

Alan said...

Zinj - Things you've said to me before make me think you trust my judgment. Please do so again, and send me a direct note. Blogging and comments aren't enough. I want to talk to you directly. I'm worried about you and want to find out if I can help.

Wyatt said...

Your blog is great. I'm glad I stumbled upon it and had the time to read through a few posts.

I'm fascinated by your journey. I was once where you were and feel that it's important to validate you on your part of the path and also state that you have a lot of strength and you have a lot of resources at your fingertips to do whatever you feel is right for you.

Keep the intention that you'll be happy and you will be... I know that.

Thanks.

TUNES

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