Friday, December 12, 2008

STUCK between a Rock and a soft SPOT



Some of you say the most profound things. Survival kind of things. Things that make a big difference for a Latter Day Saint struggling with SSA and his place in his world. (see thought below). I've been told "I should leave my place in the world" and go where one can blend into the cityscape. Furthermore..."Admit who I really am and live healthy"...."have a real life relationship" All this to avoid becoming an embittered old man. Can I have the best of both world's? Can I stay in my canyon of Red Rock huggers and be accepted? Can I ride the range with my homies and be accepted? Can I blend into a small Utah ward with a boy on my arm? Can I attend family reunions without a family? Can I be lonely and healthy?. Will the Bishop give me callings with the young men? I don't know where all this is going. I'm just asking?. Do I stay and inherit the ranch and do all those thing that make me who I am...Or do abandon it for that cement wasteland yet finding myself cuddled at night? Earth intersects with culture. This I can't escape.

This survival THOUGHT ......... was SHARED once by one of you>>>

"Maybe we’re not supposed to fix every broken thing in life. Maybe, we’re supposed to do the most possible good with what we have. Maybe, these broken things are the very same things that will enable us to achieve greater levels of service that would otherwise be impossible. Maybe, we’re not all supposed to have the “traditional” life here...or maybe it’ll just happen a little later on. And along with that, what can we hope to become without learning to deny or control our passions…ourselves?"

THIS SUSTAINS ME....FOR NOW

I recently helped my homies bring in the Summer Range cattle.... then off to the desert we went. Campfire language was not without bashing of that which I belong. Not intended as evil but made in light humor. Somewhat silent I sat...yet not angry. I should be! Since most here were in the marriage process....it would have been too obvious for the celibate one to counter an opinion,,, Fire Roasted lamb, dutch oven potatoes, and peach Cobbler, root beer and a little poker...I countered more with tolerance speech and some prop 8 discussion hoping to bring up doctrine. Most of these fella's are LDS and church goers but not all. Hard workers, ranchers, coal miners, hunters, and my buddies. Coyotes ranted in the distance. The desert breeze warned of coming Winter. Even here in the quiet of the desert.. Homophobia abounds. The church has made this worse. Compassion is absent. Misconceptions run rampant. Here I belong. WHY?....

8 comments:

Alan said...

Maybe it's because you were placed there so that sometime, somehow, you would be the instrument for increasing charity, understanding, knowledge, and tolerance. A noble task.

And BTW, what I wouldn't give to be out there at a campfire like that with you and the others. Maybe between the two of us we could change some minds and hearts.

Sean said...

I agree with Alan. There might be some greater purpose for you out there. You have a path out there that is for you and probably you alone. Keep on moving ahead with hope and things will be ok. You will find your place and your path in life.

Chase said...

The idea that your "not supposed to fix every broken thing in life" kills me. I hope that this comment isnt referring to homosexuality. The idea that a part of you, the part that dictates your love, is "broken" is absolutely horrid. You are not broken. A life spent thinking one is "broken" is a waisted life indeed. A life worth living is one that is lived for love, one lived fighting for love. To claim that one's love is "broken" is not supported by the doctrines of the gospel you believe in. God is defined as love. Therefore a life spent seeks to gain a better understanding of love, is a life spent attempting to gain a better understanding of God. That sir is a life well spent.

Z i n j said...

Hi Chase. I don't think Having SSA is broken. My people and my church are broken. Do I stay in that world with limitations of love...or as Robert here says.. maybe this is a gift that allows me to stay and achieve greater levels of service..compassion and example. Maybe controlling my passions will bring hope later. That is the challenge before me and many of us.

Alan said...

Zinj:

I think your statement just above is about the best succinct summary I've ever seen of the situation gay Mormons face. Every single line rings true.

Robert said...

Has something significant happened lately? Your feelings seem to be changing. It just seems that way. I've done a lot of changing. Huge changing since April when this journey started. I hope you're well. Wherever you are, you should know that you need not feel alone. Picture someone next to you that totally understands what's up. I'm here and there are a lot of others. Just don't ever feel alone. There's always someone with you. Love ya man. Thanks for posting. Your posts are different than everyone else's. When you post, it's like I found an arrowhead in the ground I was sitting on when I wasn't even looking for one. I hope you know how that feels. I bet you do. Later Zinj.

Bravone said...

Zing, I always appreciate your posts. You are very reflective and insightful. I hope you find answers to your question that bring peace to your soul.

Bravone

Z i n j said...

thanks for the thoughts...in light of a crossroad ahead. Why do I feel like I belong in a world obscured...obscured of the Christian compassion I read about in the scriptures? Alan I wish you were there at the fire to bring harmony into balance like the blessing way ceremony of the Navajo. Sean thanks for the encouragement but the path is unclear..the broth is unsettled. Chase constantly reminds me that God is love and would not separate his fold. Braveone as always is supportive at the crossroad but peace of heart must weigh the outcome. Robert comes up with the profound needful thing...a supportive spiritual presence. For someone claiming his own spiritual searching struggle you present here a powerful gift. Thank You all.

TUNES

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